birth mothers, gestational surrogates, and surrogacy haters

NY Times article on surrogacy
In my search for information on fertility preservation and surrogate law in NJ tonight, I read many articles on the landmark NJ case that awarded a surrogate custody of the child she carried for her brother and his husband. Since our Easy Bake Oven lives in NJ, this is of particular interest to me. (You may also recall the famous Baby M story, which also took place in NJ.)

I also learned the difference between a plain old surrogate and a gestational surrogate. The former's somehow genetically related to the child, while the latter is not. In our case, Easy Bake Oven is a gestational surrogate.

During the search, I also came across a new breed of nasties: those who abhor surrogacy. (You know, that path IT Geek and I are going down in order to be parents.) I happened upon these trolls while reading a birth mother/first mother site. They seem to think surrogates are akin to hookers, and those people who pursue surrogacy only do so to protect their size 0 bodies. Here's just a select few of the hateful, hurtful, and just plain ignorant crap I found:
  • What some folks won't go through just to have a "mini-me". Disgusting.. (sic)
  • No matter how you deconstruct the feelings involved, surrogacy contracts create babies on demand, often babies for profit.
  • The stupidity continues...I think it over and think you know, we all have to just admit, it is money.
  • How does this compare or contrast with sex work? It's essentially paying someone for the use of their body, and easily arguable that this it's a more intimate activity than sex.
  • If prostitution is unethical, immoral and illegal, why is it O.K. for one woman to pay for the use of another woman’s body? If it’s unethical, immoral and illegal to buy and sell body parts for transplantation, why is it O.K. to rent a uterus? Our morality seems so malleable in the hands of those who feel entitled.
  • And my personal favorite, from Newsweek: "It's no wonder many conservative Christians decry the practice as tampering with the miracle of life, while far-left feminists liken gestational carriers to prostitutes who degrade themselves by renting out their bodies." 
Entitled? I don't feel entitled at all. What is wrong with these people?! People, who I might add, all went on to gloat about how great their own biological little miracles they proudly gave birth to are doing. Trust me, I wanted nothing more than to have the privilege of screaming my head off during 20 hours of intensely painful labor and hold my newborn child in my arms, but thanks to uterine cancer I can't do that. Since Easy Bake oven lives 3,000 miles away, I've already resigned myself to knowing we probably won't be there for the actual birth. My happy place? The fact that Nurse Mom lives 10 minutes from her, so at least she'll be there when Baby DeFrias is born. And I'm okay with that.

Surrogate is where we're at. Deal with it. I'm so dumbfounded around people's hatred right now that the best thing is really just for me to turn off the computer and go to bed. At least I can take small comfort in know most of their venom contained typos. Lots of them.


Deep Thinker said…
You just have to ignore those creeps. There is always going to be at least one. I'm very happy for you and look forward to hearing more about "Mini Casa DeFrias"!
Ginger said…
Just got caught up on your journey Kara. So glad you found a surrogate! Ignore the nastiness and enjoy the journey to your baby. I look forward to following along.
Sara said…
Those people are ignorant, Kara. You shouldn't be made to feel ashamed or unethical for what you're doing to bring Baby DeFrias into the world, and neither should your gestational surrogate. She is doing a beautiful and selfless thing, and rather than being despised for it, she should be appointed to something akin to sainthood. If any of those haters finds your blog, we'll all get 'em for ya.
Coasting Anon said…
I'm so sorry, Kara. The interent breeds hate and it is so easy to let ourselves get caught up by it. You know you have made the choice best for your family and you know what is best for you more than anyone else. Hard as it may be, you just have to ignore those that disagree with you. It is your life. Your family.

You are going to be a wonderful mother.
Kara DeFrias said…
Thanks, everyone, for the encouraging words. I was so caught aback last night by them I just didn't know where to I wrote.

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