rainy with a chance of baby

While I've been tackling the cancer and IVF procedure with humor and a positive attitude, in the past 8 weeks there have been a few occasions when the general suckiness of it all sets in for a moment.

Today was one of those days.

In the days leading up to the egg harvesting, I do a blood draw every day to check my estradiol levels, along with all the drugs. Every second or third day, there's a transvaginal ultrasound to check the follicle size (imagine them to be like Goldilocks; we don't want them too big or too small, we want them just right).

When the doc inserted the probe, my ovaries appeared on the screen. In that moment, it hit me that I'll never be able to see my baby in there, on that screen. Because my uterus simply won't be there as of April 12th.

My lip began to quiver, and quivering lip begat teary eyes, which began rain pouring down my face. I was sad for what I'm losing, sad for not being able to carry my child, sad for my body's rebellious nature against nature.

After a few moments, I composed myself and headed back to the lobby, where my smiling, handsome husband greeted me with a hug. That made it hurt a little less.


T. said…
I'd much rather have a good husband than a functional uterus. I bet Sandy Bullock feels the same way about now so lets keep the wah wah to a minimum.
Kara DeFrias said…
Okay, okay, T. Thanks for the laugh and the reminder that while I do have cancer, at least I don't have a husband who has 14 whores on the side. :)
Jackie said…
it's all relative.

i think small moments of overwhelmth are completely acceptable, normal and part of the process.

if its any consolation, your girl parts post-baby are not always so much in the functioning state they were. ick. so you get to bypass that 'stuff no one tells you' and hold the sweet little thing in your arms.
Sara said…
I arrived here from CDLC. Your grief is understandable. I can see from the rest of your blog that you are one tough cookie, but you've also been through a lot.

When I think about it, it's actually pretty cool to have seen the actual follicles that will give rise to your baby, though. People who conceive in the back seat of a Chevy (do they do that anymore? Probably not, but I'm old and set in my ways) don't get to experience THAT!
Tanya said…
Here from Creme...I love the title of your post it could be a book about IF. I can not imagine having to deal with Cancer and IF at the same time you are true brave heart. To have that thought and be able to pull yourself back together is amazing.

CaliforniaKara said…
Thanks, Tanya! I hadn't thought of using the title for a book. Maybe I'll think about writing one now. :)

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